Archive for the 'rodentia' Category


[NOTE: The CPS editorial staff regrets to inform its readers that some characters in the ensuing narrative have seen fit to use profane and derogatory language, making that narrative potentially unsuitable for small children and the infirm.]


Was the first sound Mr. Neegan heard when he returned to his room.

Out of habit, since he had grown used to not hearing well, he ignored it. Without turing his head, he reached discretely to adjust his hearing aid. The next sound he heard was


He hadn’t gone to the Easter service, preferring instead to write by hand, and then type laboriously into the email his son had created for him, a letter to his daughter, Rosalyn, thanking her for the basket she sent him. The dark chocolate eggs were delicious, he told her, and the chocolate rabbit was quite magnificent—so much so, in fact, that he had set it atop the dresser to admire it for a while before deciding how to eat it.

“Please! We’re choking!” Continue reading ‘rabbittersweet’



I just want to thank you all for being here, for coming out tonight.  Yeah… [applause]

I, uh, I just want to say—  [feedback]

I just want to say that I know, I know the last few months have been—  haven’t been my finest, but I just want to say—   [feedback]

I just want, to say that I am here, today—  [pause]

I stand before you today mouse free, and if I could [applause]

I just want to say that there’s no way I could have done that on my own.  And I wanted— [pause]

I know I can’t thank everyone who helped me, on my way.  I know that, but, I just, wanted, to say thanks— [pause, breathing]

Vacuum cleaner,  [sniffle]  I…before…before I saw you, I really, thought, the world was going to end, [pause, swallowing, sniffle]

I really, didn’t know, how I was going to cope with it all.  It just wouldn’t stop, and, no matter, what I tried, I couldn’t make it go away.  And you, you gave me hope.  You made me feel like maybe there was something I could do after all.  Like maybe, I had some power left in life to control my surroundings.  Before you came along, I just thought life sucked.  I never realized how, powerful that sucking could be.  [soft gasp, swallow]

And duct tape, I couldn’t have begun getting over this without you.  You are so—strong.  So strong.  I don’t think anything could chew through you, no matter—anything.  You were my fortress.  [louder]  You were my shiny light.  You were my walls that I swaddled around myself and nestled myself in safety in, and—  [applause]

And disinfectant, I really don’t know what you are, I mean, like, I still don’t understand where you came from, or what you have inside you that makes you do what you do, but I just, know—  When I squeeze you, and you squirt that stuff all over everything, I just know, whatever is living on that surface, whatever, bacteria or whatever that’s got all over it, I know you got it covered.  You’re on it, you’re so on it.  And that makes me feel… [soft gasp, shudder] That makes me feel whole again, and— [applause]

And there’s so many more of you guys.  All you, all you paper towels, and you scrubbing pads, and you, dish detergent, and you pliers when I had to take the stove apart, and I [pause, weeping] I just wish I could thank all of you for everything you’ve done for me, but I [blubbering; applause]

I’m going to sing a song now, but I just, want to thank all you guys,—  You’ll never know how much it means to me, and,— [sniffle]

We’ve been through a lot of shit together, but you got me through it and I’ll love you forever always— [weeping; tumultuous applause]