Archive for the 'politics' Category


Possibly America's next Vice President

Possibly America's next Vice President.

America's next fake Vice President

Definitely America's next Vice President impersonator.

EDIT:  We are not alone.

“Palin, who has more than a passing resemblance to Tina Fey, took on the kleptocracy of Alaska’s Republican politics and won.”

rail in favor

Reason #335.5: the French can do it.


EDIT: in fact, they did.

best mintentions?

It is time to stop printing dollar bills. Really.

Here’s my question: will relegating the dollar to coin-hood devalue it in the eyes of its spenders? Some at the CPS have speculated that dollar-coins might seem more spendable, since they would inevitably reside in the change-purse or the pants-pocket with the dimes, nickels, and quarters. In other words, by some perverse twist of psychoeconomics, could the dollar’s shrinkage lead to its inflation?

A way around this might be to introduce two-dollar coins in the near future as well, a la the Euro and the Canadian “dollar.”* Not only would it cut down on the amount of change one carries, it would also pump up the image of coins in general. After all, the British pound comes in £1 and £2 coins, and is currently twice as valuable as the dollar. Like duh.

In the end, it comes down to convincing the Treasury and the Congress of the need for change.

*Note: The CPS does not officially acknowledge that Canada exists.

dysenterysted regulators?


TO: California Growers Assoc.
FROM: Western Civilization
SUBJECT: “Good Agricultural Practices

1. TP
2. Flush
3. Wash hands
4. No pets

And repeat.


We interrupt this program to bring exciting news from the Midwest.* Apparently aliens visited O’Hare airport in early November. To their credit, however, they didn’t stop.

Think that’s strange? You’re not alone, but many Americans are preparing for even stranger: a recent poll showed that 25% of us believe 2007 will be the year of the second coming of Christ. This is slightly fewer than the 35% who believe the U.S. government will reinstate the draft within the next twelve months.

The only thing scarier than aliens and the government are Americans themselves.

(*The CPS acknowledges that this could be oxymoronic. We were just trying to be funny.)

US of A


Bob Lutz, GM’s vice chairman and the head of the company’s global product development team, said the proposed changes to the government’s Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) standards would represent an unfair burden on the traditional Big Three automakers.

He added: “That effectively hands the truck and SUV market over to the imports, particularly the Japanese, who have earned years of accumulated credits from their fleets of formerly very small cars.”

Lutz, a long-time critic of government fuel economy regulations, compared the attempt to force carmakers to sell smaller vehicles to “fighting the nation’s obesity problem by forcing clothing manufacturers to sell garments only in small sizes.” [emphasis added]

Dear Mr. Lutz:

I want to thank you, first of all, for helping to raise public awareness of an issue which has been—literally—a pain in my butt for quite some time.

I went for a ride in a Japanese car today. It was a Honda, actually. And it’s tantalizingly cheap. Its owner loves how it gets close to thirty miles per gallon, and how cheap it was to buy. But he looks the other way when I try to get in and out, and I, having been reared with good manners, am too polite to complain.

It’s awful. The car is just too damn small! I start by opening the door. Even that’s hard. With that dinky little handle, it’s damn near impossible for a fellow to fit more than a finger through it. Pulling a door open with one finger is just asking for a sprain. But the real pain is yet to come.

Once the door’s open, I turn sideways to it. I’ve learned through hard, hard experience that there’s no way both cheeks are going in at once. No. Getting them in takes careful planning and true grit.

The first buttock is easy—a good fit for the half-assed door. Next comes a turn. We’re crack-to-doorjamb now, and starting to get a little sweaty, but the worst awaits.

Bringing in the second buttock requires ducking the head. Ducking the head means leaning forward and squashing the gut. And that head also has to skootch forward and collide with the door pillar if that buttock is going to have any room at all. When it slides in at last, it’s a straining, bruising affair.

I’ve learned not to suffer in silence. We can endure anything in this country, but that doesn’t mean we need to be quiet about it. Singing helps me. Not only does it give me a rhythm to time my pushes, it also restores some of the patriotism I sacrifice when I climb into one of these little crap-cans.

“A-MERRRica, A-MERRRica, God SHED his GRACE on THEE.” A couple of verses like this and I’m usually through. “And CROWN thy GOOD with BROther HOOD from SEA to SHIN—ah that’s it.”

As Arab terrorists continue to threaten our freedom and extort us with their oil prices, we can only expect more of these indignities. Nobody likes this kind of suffering, but the Japanese know they have us over a barrel (literally!) and, painful as it is, we can’t afford not to buy their cruelly-undersized cars.

I applaud you for your statement. Never in a million years would the government try to make us thinner by forcing us to buy smaller clothes, and they shouldn’t force smaller cars on us either. We Americans are the greatest race ever to walk the earth, and great as we are in size, we are even greater in our accomplishments. It takes big cars—and big clothes—to hold all that.

Any sensible regulator can see that reducing CAFE standards would not only fail, it would violate our human rights. Let’s instead focus on LATTE: Letting Americans Triumph over Terrorist Efficiency-mavens. God bless you, and may God continue to bless America and the greatness of her people.

laundry list

WASHINGMACHINE, Dec. 7 — The bipartisan Laundry Study Group today delivered its long-awaited report to the Robinson administration. Declaring that a “stay-the-course policy is no longer viable,” and advocating sweeping changes to the government’s policy toward laundry, the report concluded several weeks of speculation and judicious sock-sniffing.

Chaired by a sweater and a sport coat, the committee held a press conference in one corner of the bedroom floor. Among the other conclusions they outlined were a need for laundry to take more initiative in its self-governance, and a need for multilateral involvement by neighboring groups, specifically the dresser and the laundry basket.

The Robinson administration reacted with caution to the findings, agreeing with the thrust of the report but saying that a rushed withdrawal of laundry from the bedroom could result in over-extension of the nation’s muscular resources, crowding of national washing facilities, and general fatigue. Administration officials have suggested recently that a phased withdrawal could begin no sooner than next week, possibly not even then.

The sweater and the sport-coat were selected to lead the committee because their exemption from machine-washing gave them a neutral stance on the issue. In fact, the sport-coat actually has to be dry-cleaned. The administration praised the efforts of the two, saying that “the grime-resistance and tough woolen fibers of these two garments stand as a model for future bipartisan leadership.”

Critics of the administration suggested that it hoped to sweep the committee’s report under the carpet, or at least partway under the bed.

“This whole laundry situation is starting to smell bad to me,” said Vacuum Cleaner, an analyst with the Institute for Advanced Tidying. He added, “I think that if the administration continues to ignore it now, they will regret doing so in the future,” and went on to say that the entire laundry conflict was nothing but a war for soil.

Conservative pundits disagreed. Speaking on the Lush Grimebaugh show, noted right-wing evangelical Torn Again suggested that dirt and wear are the manifest destiny of laundry and the administration should redouble its laundry-making efforts, increasing laundry presence five-fold in the coming months.

The dryer and the clothesline are also set to release reports on the situation within the next few weeks. The Robinson administration has said it will weigh all options carefully before deciding which one to support.


Here is something you didn’t know. Apparently, Donald Rumsfeld is a poet . Neither did I. Right.

political stiff

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I have to return to the blogosphere with such a depressing topic. Maine politics, like incest, is one of those backwoods phenomena that’s better left unmentioned. Or it would be, except that, like incest, it produces some terrifying freaks.

Many in Maine have a provincial view of their state—an inferiority complex. Culture skips us and touches down in New York, arriving here second-hand. Our economy is a travesty; our taxes are absurd. Our poor and unfortunate wallow in squalor, deep in the backwoods. We focus on our failings and frequently blow them out of proportion. In reality, Maine is not that different from the rest of the country, just farther east.

But our worst self-loathing is justified when it comes to politicians. Take for example our Republican gubernatorial candidate Chandler Woodcock.

Let’s start with the name. All by itself—not attached to any human being, good or bad—all by itself, that name automatically disqualifies its referent from public life. I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. I’m even sorrier that he was a high school teacher before descending into politics. Imagine lining up the young people he sent to the office for succumbing to the humorous potential of his name. Fishermen, farmers, salesmen, engineers now—many middle aged—united by the punishment they received for taking Mr. Woodcock’s name less seriously than he.

As if that weren’t enough, look at the TV ads. The most recent one: Chandler Woodcock—mercifully not wearing his trademark bow-tie—standing in front of Maine’s iconic Mt. Katahdin on a resplendent day, declaiming on some rubbishy scheme to cut taxes, create jobs, and do all those other things we know are impossible. Chandler Woodcock, declaring it finally “morning in the state of Maine.”

It takes about 0.3 seconds for the normal American to get the reference. We conclude that a.) Chandler Woodcock is hailing himself as Maine’s Ronald Reagan (“morning in America”), a singularly modest activity; b.) he can’t come up with an original line of his own and doesn’t think anyone will notice; or c.) he doesn’t notice himself.

I’m honestly not sure which is worse. And I don’t think I care. If there’s one thing we Mainers do well, it’s apathy; it’s the simple act of not giving a shit—about Woodcock’s name, in this case, his ad, or his cookie-cutter right-wing agenda. From the above, I hope you can see that it’s not a regressive social trend, but a survival mechanism—a safe path through the hopelessness of our public discourse.

I should note in the interest of nonpartisanship that I mock Chandler Woodcock because he deserves it, not because I oppose his party. The incumbent Democrat, who will defeat him, is at least as incompetent and possibly more bland. And the a la cart options on the ticket are their usual outlandish selves. It’s another year when I’m not just proud to be a registered independent: I’m relieved. And it’s another year to vote for myself for governor.