laundry list

WASHINGMACHINE, Dec. 7 — The bipartisan Laundry Study Group today delivered its long-awaited report to the Robinson administration. Declaring that a “stay-the-course policy is no longer viable,” and advocating sweeping changes to the government’s policy toward laundry, the report concluded several weeks of speculation and judicious sock-sniffing.

Chaired by a sweater and a sport coat, the committee held a press conference in one corner of the bedroom floor. Among the other conclusions they outlined were a need for laundry to take more initiative in its self-governance, and a need for multilateral involvement by neighboring groups, specifically the dresser and the laundry basket.

The Robinson administration reacted with caution to the findings, agreeing with the thrust of the report but saying that a rushed withdrawal of laundry from the bedroom could result in over-extension of the nation’s muscular resources, crowding of national washing facilities, and general fatigue. Administration officials have suggested recently that a phased withdrawal could begin no sooner than next week, possibly not even then.

The sweater and the sport-coat were selected to lead the committee because their exemption from machine-washing gave them a neutral stance on the issue. In fact, the sport-coat actually has to be dry-cleaned. The administration praised the efforts of the two, saying that “the grime-resistance and tough woolen fibers of these two garments stand as a model for future bipartisan leadership.”

Critics of the administration suggested that it hoped to sweep the committee’s report under the carpet, or at least partway under the bed.

“This whole laundry situation is starting to smell bad to me,” said Vacuum Cleaner, an analyst with the Institute for Advanced Tidying. He added, “I think that if the administration continues to ignore it now, they will regret doing so in the future,” and went on to say that the entire laundry conflict was nothing but a war for soil.

Conservative pundits disagreed. Speaking on the Lush Grimebaugh show, noted right-wing evangelical Torn Again suggested that dirt and wear are the manifest destiny of laundry and the administration should redouble its laundry-making efforts, increasing laundry presence five-fold in the coming months.

The dryer and the clothesline are also set to release reports on the situation within the next few weeks. The Robinson administration has said it will weigh all options carefully before deciding which one to support.


11 Responses to “laundry list”

  1. 1 jenlinnan December 8, 2006 at 6:50 am

    1. Charming.

    2. You’ve demonstrated great moral fiber here; just make sure you proceed carefully or you may end up staining your reputation.

  2. 2 Joseph Shoer December 8, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    The Sweater Commission’s report seems to have neglected one glaring issue: corruption. Should any of the unclean garments in the bedroom be found with cash in their pockets, you may be facing a serious money-laundering racket.

  3. 3 alden December 8, 2006 at 6:23 pm

    OK, this is just getting silly.

  4. 6 jenlinnan December 9, 2006 at 4:29 pm

    I think silly is a foregone conclusion around here.

  5. 7 swaberry December 13, 2006 at 3:39 am

    Every time I read this blog somewhere inside of me the would-be English major dies a sad little death…

  6. 8 jenlinnan December 13, 2006 at 4:53 am

    Nonono… what you’re ACTUALLY feeling when you read this blog is the would-be English major inside of you 1) leaping up excitedly, 2) struggling against the prison of pun-and-wordplay-repression you have constructed for it, and 3) slumping sadly against the bars of said prison and WEAPING.

  7. 9 pandorasreel December 13, 2006 at 5:14 am

    um….i can’t say anything of the caliber exhibited above. therefore, i will merely state: cute. very cute. almost Orwellian…but better-smelling.

  8. 10 alden December 13, 2006 at 2:16 pm

    Have you been huffing Orwell again?

  9. 11 jenlinnan December 13, 2006 at 11:44 pm

    wait… BETTER-smelling?

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