green evilution?

In case you missed it, there’s a good deal of evil going on these days. About five years ago, evil accumulated enough mass and rotational velocity to have an axis. Since then, it’s spun farther out of control.

But just now, Wal-Mart—described by some as the most evil of them all—has thrown a curve. According to this (lite | heavy) article, Your Favorite Arkansas Retailer has decided to repent its sins and go green. Yesthat’sright: As you read this, Wal-Mart is becoming the world’s biggest vendor of compact fluorescent lightbulbs.

You ask: What’s a compact fluorescent lightbulb?

We reply: Come on, dummy! They’re those funny squiggly ones.

Actually, they’re those funny squiggly ones that produce heatless, flickerless, buzzless, high-quality light in exchange for only the tiniest sips of electricity, many years beyond the life of your ordinary, hot-to-the-touch incandescent.

CFLs save energy, and therefore greenhouse gases. Which means that those of us living within about a dozen feet of sea level will have THAT MUCH LONGER to enjoy the comfort of our own homes before global warming eats them and they float out to sea.

Wal-Mart is saving the world!

Maybe. However, while we have chosen to forgo the Green/green pun, we think Y.F.A.R. has more on its mind than saving our house. Despite assertions that “energy efficient bulbs are what America needs as it recovers from Katrina” and similar patriotic sentiments, Clandestine Panda Service analysts think it’s possible—just possible—that Wal-Mart may have a profit motive. Which brings us to the question this blog post has been posted to ask:

Does Wal-Mart deserve nice-points for this? If so, how many?

Answer below if you see fit, or don’t. Regardless, analysis of reconaissance imagery (obtained by Clandestine Panda Service specialists) suggests that all of this may soon be moot: Nuclear energy—peaceful, civilian nuclear energy only, mind you—may soon make energy-efficiency an obsession of the past—always at always-low prices.

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9 Responses to “green evilution?”


  1. 1 jenlinnan August 31, 2006 at 1:45 pm

    Gold star for using the “Making A Pun Whilst Pretending Not To” technique!

    Also, I would award Wal-Mart threeve nice-points, but after roll-back that’s only about 0.62 nice-points, which only JUST gives them an edge on the ancient squid-god Cthulhu.

  2. 2 alden August 31, 2006 at 2:17 pm

    OK, I think that was just a “Friends” reference because I have absolutely no idea. Also, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen “threeve” spelled.

  3. 3 jenlinnan August 31, 2006 at 2:44 pm

    Gold star = a metallic, star-shaped sticker awarded for spectacular behavior, which is now going to be REVOKED

    Pun technique = one I recently employed on my own blog to suggest a potential pun while convincing Lisa I wasn’t making one (sorry Lisa!)

    Wal-Mart = Your Favorite Arkansas Retailer

    Threeve = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threeve

    Roll-back = act of discounting prices whilst accompanied by a creepy whistling Wal-Mart smiley face

    Cthulhu = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu

  4. 4 jenlinnan August 31, 2006 at 2:45 pm

    I posted an explanatory comment but I think it was eaten by your akismet spam filter.

  5. 5 jenlinnan August 31, 2006 at 3:16 pm

    Gold star = a metallic star-shaped sticker awarded for spectacular behavior, which is now going to be REVOKED

    Pun technique = previously used on my own blog to simultaneously suggest a pun and assert for Lisa’s benefit that one is not making a pun

    Wal-Mart = Your Favorite Arkansas retailer

    Threeve = Celebrity Jeopardy reference

    Roll-Back = the act of discounting prices whilst accompanied by a creepy whistling Wal-Mart smiley face

    Cthulhu = marginally more evil than Wal-Mart; see wikipedia.

  6. 6 alden September 1, 2006 at 9:00 pm

    OK so I un-spammed your comment with the definition of the squid-beast and I was starting to regret doing so because it seems that there’s been this whole parallel universe of horror/sci-fi/squid fanatics out there who write engorged wikipedia entries complete with illustrations about creatures that don’t really exist and which are perfectly unpronounceable anyway and expect other people to take them seriously even when other people have a pretty tenuous grip on reality as it is and can’t pronounce most words longer than five letters even if they DON’T look like they’re anglicized Welsh and I’m thinking to myself OH MY GOD I just tried to arouse a little light humor around Wal-Mart and the Axis of Evil and LOOK WHAT I GOT MYSELF INTO I’M NEVER GOING TO BLOG AGAIN but fortunately cooler heads prevailed at least a cooler part of my head and so I’m going to let your comments stand and not spam them permanently ON CONDITION that you don’t fuck around with my reality ANY MORE HEAR ME because it may be all picnics sci-fi and pansy-dances to you but to me its a struggle I engage every waking minute of my life and I take it very, very seriously indeed.

  7. 7 jenlinnan September 1, 2006 at 10:33 pm

    I would WEAP, but, if you recall, you are the one who bemoaned your lack of enlightenment in the first place.

    Plus, I thought you already knew that Wikipedia was a scary, scary place! I would never have linked to it if I had realized you were SO CLOSE TO THE EDGE OMG.

  8. 8 Lisa September 1, 2006 at 10:43 pm

    OMGthatrunonsentencemademyheadhurtbecauseI’vebeenatworkforgoingoneleventybillionhoursandnexttimewouldyoupleaseusemorepunctuationbecausewritinginallcapsjustdoesn’tcutitformeandnowI’mgoingtogohomeandpacksothatIcanmovetomorrow.

  9. 9 Joseph Shoer September 2, 2006 at 3:56 pm

    Ah, but the big question is, is Cthulhuhlth-whatever science ficiton or scientology?


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