Dear future employer,

First off, thank you very much for offering to sell me a laptop.  The discount you offer is considerable, as is your generosity in offering it.  I already own a laptop, however.  It’s one of my best friends, and, in fact, is sitting on my lap as I write this.  

Consequently, I do not plan to avail myself of this particular perquisite.  However, there’s something I need to get off my chest.   I suspect that, if I did buy a computer from you, it would be a PC.  (I Don’t KNOW for a fact, OK, but I suspect it pretty hard.)  To put it politely, that twists my tits.  

I know, I KNOW that there are all sorts of arguments out there about why Macs are better than PCs, and plenty of piss-poor counter-arguments too, and I KNOW that you’re not in the mood for an angsty rehash of the party line.  But let’s just take a step back.  Let’s think broadly about all the things Macs do better.

1.  Macs do better graphics.  I’m not talking software.  Software’s all the same these days.  No, I mean Macs look better when represented graphically.  Imagine yourself in a photograph: 

—you, the Student, diligently clattering at your dorm-desk; 

—you, the Businessperson, multitasking in office-utopia; 

—you, the Fuckingobnoxious Coffeeshop Denizen, re-ordering your 75,000+ MP3 collection by song-duration while trying to suck latte through your cellphone; 

—you, the Romantic, cuddled with your lover as you watch a DVD of some British romantic comedy/wealthporn that takes place at Christmas.  

You expect me to believe that you’d prefer to be seen with a PC?  Do you really think that “Inspiron” describes that paper you’re writing?  No?  What about “Pavillion”?  (Or is that where you watch DVD’s?  Right.)  Do you even think “VAIO” is a real word?  Because I do: it’s the noise I make when I talk while brushing my teeth.  And don’t get me started on “ThinkPad.”  It sounds like the term for the single philosophy major’s apartment, which would be funny if “pad” weren’t so distant from the truth.  

No.  When it comes to appearances, you’d rather be seen with the sleek metallic flanks of a Macintosh warming the surface of your thighs.  If you appeared in the Viewbook, or the AFLAC commercial, or the Starbucks Propaganda Pamphlet, you’d like to do so with a computer that outwardly describes the sleek techno-coolness of your mind, not something that says “i like spreadsheets!” or “backpack me i’m bulky!”  You would, in short, rather be seen with a Mac.

2.  You can have sex with a Mac.  I don’t know this firsthand but I’ve heard rumors.  

3.  Macs don’t make those annoying Windows symphony-alert-noises.  You know the ones I mean.  That in itself seems reason enough to buy.

4.  There are more things.  But you’re so convinced you’ve stopped reading anyway.  

Suffice it to say, Macs are better, and I’m keeping mine.  Just thought I’d throw that out there.


4 Responses to “Mactivism”

  1. 1 Joseph Shoer August 23, 2006 at 6:34 pm

    I will acknowledge that Macs do, generally, look much nicer on the outside than PCs, generally, do. However, I must take issue with your Point #2. Namely, I think you do have firsthand experience.

  2. 3 Lisa August 27, 2006 at 3:42 pm

    Point of Clarification:

    Based on personal observations, it is quite clear that you twist your own titties.

    Also, in response to the implication that those who frequent coffee shops, perhaps on their way to work in an effort to putt off, by even a few minutes, dealing with their slightly-neurotic and decidedly compuslive boss, are obnoxious. Not that I’m talking of myself here. I never drink coffee. Nor diet coke. Ever.

  3. 4 Sam August 27, 2006 at 10:55 pm

    To the previous commenter: Do I sense a “The Devil has a Ph.D.” in the making?

    To the author of this blog: Thank you for reinforcing my next big purchasing decision. And I loved the thinly veiled reference to “Love, Actually”. (Hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps anyone?)

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